I want to go out smiling!!!

The Avastin, Taxel, and Zometa have been working wonders for me. After two cycles, my too many to be counted spots on my lungs are almost gone. The same with the ones on my liver. Tomorrow we go to San Francisco to see Dr. Rugo about what is next. Will I be able to (or want to) do the clinical trial? What happens when this chemo stops working? I will have a lot of questions for her!


I have begun to get a feeling of urgency to clean stuff out around here. Kind of like a "nesting" feeling. On Saturday I cleaned out the linen closet. Boy, did that feel good. I don't want to leave the junk for someone else to have to clean out! It is something that I have been wanting to do, so I figured I'd better get it while I feel well enough. Papers are a big problem around here...I think I'll get around to reading it some time. Never seems to happen!


I am so glad that I know God, because if I didn't have Him to lean on, I would be a basket case! He is faithful and I can trust Him to keep all His promises. My prayer is that you can say that as well!

Some things just Stink!

Alex is a little Stinker! But wait...

It runs in the family!!!

I'm sure that Steve, Jill and Alex really smelled quite divine! But some things in life really stink! I have been working on getting into a clinical trial with a Triple Negative Breast Cancer specialist at UCSF. I did manage to get an appointment with her.....for January. In the meantime, I am getting my port inserted tomorrow and they are getting me ready to have some kind of treatment.

That's all I know..........until next Thursday. It has already been 10 days since I told my Doctor in Redding that Doctor Rugo from UCSF would call or email her to discuss my case. (Her comment was "we don't do email"). And now they want me to wait another week? Plus, we are spending some time with Sarah & Shane, Steve & Jill, and Alex next week. Our plan was to have a time with just them where we could explain things better, they could ask questions, and we can laugh and cry together.

I am sure we will laugh and cry together, but don't know how much 'splaning we'll be doing. So I asked the Lord to help me and I called and asked again if I could find out what they had decided to do with me. (I had already asked once and they told me I would find out next Thursday). I explained that not only did I want to know before that, but that we wanted to be able to tell the kids what the plan was. So I left a message for the nurse, who will listen to the message "every half-hour", talk to the Doctor and get back to me. I'm sorry, but that STINKS!

But when you really think about it, there are a lot of things that "stink" in our world! Things we have control over, things we don't have control over. Things that effect us, things that effect people we don't know. If you are going to live, if you are going to die. But, wait a minute, when I put my gaze on the world these things STINK, but when I put my gaze towards heaven and what my life will be when I get there, the stink turns to a sweet fragrance that makes you not afraid or reluctant to go.

Isaiah says in Isaiah 6 ..."I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of His robe filled the temple. Above Him were seraphim, ....calling to one another: "Holy, Holy, Holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.

That's where I want to keep my gaze! It brings hope, joy, peace and comfort!

The Greatest Adventure Yet!

God has called us to the greatest Adventure yet! My cancer has spread to my liver and possibly other organs as well. I have been upgraded to stage 4. We are working through all that comes with this news. Our priorities have changed. We are working on telling friends and family and researching what we should do next. This part is kinda urgent.

Mostly, Ron and I are doing well (I am using "well" for those who think that is proper grammar, But, I really prefer the word "good" because it seems to denote hope).  But, we do have our moments. We have upgraded our Kleenex to the really soft ones, because we have been using a lot of them.

What is next? They will do some more testing to check to see how far the cancer has spread. In the meantime, we are checking out different avenues of treatment. Once I start a treatment, it may disqualify me from other treatment. I would be happy if I can help them find a cure for Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Here is a link to the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation website so you can learn more about this aggressive type of cancer.  Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation

Is this an adventure that I wanted to experience? NO!!! Yet, I have peace because God has proven over and over to us that He will supply the grace for anything that can come along. The list of adventures is long, I have often thought of writing them all down. But, that might sound like bragging! Let's just put it this way, I could probably relate to just about everyone, because I have gone through something they are experiencing!

Sorry, this is really long! Thank you for hanging in there with me!!!

Isn't she the cutest!

I am having fun!

Create a photo album

Steve and Jill gave us the cutest granddaughter that has ever been born! What a blessing she is. She was born on May 29th at 5:04 PM. Weighting in at 7 lb. 15 oz., she was 19 3/4 inches long. Perfect size and weight. Everyone concurred that Alex California resembled her Father. Including her long arms, fingers and big feet! 

I was so blessed to be in the delivery room

with Jill's Sister Jen, Mom Rhondee and of course, Steve.

Just minutes old here, Isn't she the cutest?

Proud Grandpa! He got to see her when she was about 

1/2 hour old and couldn't wait to hold her.

We are so excited to have a new Toth in our family. 

Being Grandparents is going to be fun!!!

The only thing I know for sure, is that I don't know anything for sure!

This has been quite an interesting couple of weeks! Seems like every plan I made had to be changed! Usually one can get by with having  a "plan A" and and maybe a "plan B". But this week I needed "plans C, D, and E"!

They told me that I would probably have my treatment on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I was planning on that but hadn't heard by Tuesday afternoon, so I called the Cancer Center. I found out that they scheduled me for Monday. That meant I couldn't do the BSF lecture on Monday night-BIG disappointment! So we made other plans. On Monday, after about an hour, they got the results of my blood test and talked to the doctor. No-go! My red blood cells and my platelets were too low-bummer! So I could have done the lecture! 

So back I go at 8am on Friday with all my "stuff"; blanket, ice water, laptop, book, comics, Ron's changed doctor appointments, friend to play the harp! After about an hour, they tell me my platelets are low. So they ask the doctor. He says it's a go, with a lower dose of gemzar. So I give Ron the "it's a go" sign and settle in my recliner. The nurse comes over (I'm thinking to get things going) and tells me the doctor changed his mind. He is going to skip this treatment and start on #4 next week! Ugh!!! I Give Ron the "it's not a go" sign, gather up my "stuff", call my friend and tell her it's a no-go. Get my appointment for Friday of next week and go to Black Bear Diner for a club sandwich and french fries!!! (comfort food) My doctor assures me that my blood counts will be good by then. ;0)

In this life with all it's uncertainties, there is one thing that we can totally count on! And that is that we can know for certain that when we die we are going to heaven. That is John's theme in the Bible. "These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life." (1John 5:13) If  we believe that Jesus died for our sins and we confess with out mouth (tell others) that Jesus changed our lives then we can know that we will live for eternity in heaven with Him!

Boy, am I glad!

Reverse physcology!

Just tell someone that they can't do something and it will make them want to do it! They told me when my platelets were so low that I might not be able to do my #2A treatment today. Works every time. I went from NOT WANTING to do my treatment , to instantly WANTING to do my treatment!!! I asked people to pray that my body would make platelets, and it did! 

Then the doctor told me that he was going to lower the dose! My first thought was, NO!. Then I'm not  doing everything I can to fight this cancer!!! I must have had a look on my face that revealed my thoughts. Dr. Carter then said that everyone gets that look ;0) Glad to know I'm normal. He explained that they use the blood count levels to tell if the patient is getting enough drugs to kill the cancer. Since my platelets went so low, I got more that enough. So the doctor lowered my dose in hopes that I won't need another platelet transfusion. It would be better if I didn't need one.

I had my treatment today of Carboplatin and Gemzar. I have to take my anti-nausea meds to keep from getting sick from the Carboplatin. Hopefully, I have learned the right combination to make it work better than last time. Fortunately, I never actually got sick last time, only felt like I might get sick. Don't want to go there this time. The second part of this treatment is scheduled for next Thursday. It will be the Genzar. Hopefully my platelets will tolerated this new dosage better.

When it really comes down to it. I can't do anything on my own. No matter how much I think I can. Just as "all things are possible with God", "without faith we can not please Him". So when I look to Him with faith, I can have the peace and hope that he will do what is best for me. That's what gives me the strength to do those things that I don't think I can do. How great is our God!

Thanks for the prayers! We really appreciate them!

Coincidences? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

I made a little unexpected trip to the hospital today. A New adventure! My platelet count was so low that they sent me to the hospital to get a transfusion (of platelets).

It wasn't so bad, just took a good part of my day. God made sure that My low counts were found. I went to get my blood tested for my annual checkup with my primary care doctor last Monday. I wasn't scheduled to see my chemo doctor until next Wednesday. By then, I would have been in big trouble, since my platelets were down to 5 and my blood was not clotting. I made this appointment with my primary care doctor a year ago! Our God is Great!!!

The chemo drug Gemzar is the culprit. It is hard on the bone marrow. I guess it was really hard on mine!!! I have to go back in on Monday to get my blood checked. The chemo doctor warned me that this may delay my next treatment, which is scheduled for next Thursday. We shall see.

In my new adventure today, I shared with a man who has had a bone marrow transplant that it's all in God's hands. Praised the Lord with the gal that admitted me at the hospital. (Her husband is going through cancer treatments and they are struggling financially) My nurse's wife has Triple Negative Breast Cancer, lives on the street in Mt. Shasta where my Uncle lived, and worked at the hospital where Ron installed the phone system. When I asked him if he went to church, he said he hadn't been to church since he was a boy. I told him that I am in a win-win situation because God is in control and when I die, I know I'll be in heaven with Him. And I did it all with a good attitude. Now that is a great God!!!

I wasn't feeling like myself...

...I felt like a clown!

Last Friday night I was feeling well enough to go to the Lifelight Auction as a clown! My chemo treatment on Thursday went well. After a few naps and anti-nausea pills I felt well enough to go to the auction. It was a lot of fun! I made balloon animals for the children and "clowned" around.

I am feeling better better today, not much nausea! Yea!!! And I am very glad that I have one cycle done, and only 5 to go!!! 

 

I am praying that God sends those drugs through my body like little "pac men" chomping away at all the cancer cells. 

Ron is holding up in spite of the fact that he had a colonoscopy yesterday. He did fine and the test came back good news. He is good for 10 years or 100,000 miles. Which ever comes first!

One Down, 5 TO GO!!! or OUR GOD IS GREAT!!!!!

The nurses really tried to make us feel special. Don't they look cute?

Solace Cancer Care Really does Care!

Here I am eating my Super Taco Ole` from the Taco Shop that Ron brought me.

Check out the Prayer Quilt the ladies from church made. It is so awesome! On Sundays they put the new ones  in the foyer with the person's name and prayer request. Then people of the church say a prayer when they tie a knot. There could be 100's of prayers on each quilt. I love it!!!

My heart sank.........when the nurse told me my blood cells were too low to do my treatment! I had been there for at least an hour and a half. And felt confident that since I had only had one treatment I would be ok to take the second part of this treatment. NOW I SEE WHY THE DOC SAID NOT TO PUT MY APPOINTMENTS IN INK! Fortunately, when the nurse consulted with the doctor, I was able to do my treatment. The reason being is that tomorrow, I go in for a very expensive shot to boost my blood counts. So I should be good by my next treatment on 10/29.

Why would ANYONE be disappointed that they were not going to get stuck with a huge needle, sit in a chair for 2-3 hours, and be given drugs that make you first feel wasted, and then feel crummy?

I'll tell you why! This Adventure is as much in the mind as it is physical.

When I got up this morning, I had thoughts like, "if I stay in bed will it all go away"? So I gave myself a "self-talk" (do you ever do that?). I told myself that when I get this one done, I will only have 5 to go. And, I've got to do this so these drugs can kill all those nasty little cancer cells floating around in my body. But the best thing I tell myself is that my God is Great. And He not only planned this for me, but also will be carrying me one step at a time!!!!! Can't get any better than that!!!

Keep up the prayers............. I think know they are working.

Smile-A-Day

 I am doing quite well. Thanks for all the prayers. Just a little tired. I am trying to not do too much so I can do the stuff that I need to do.

A dear friend gave me a "Smile-A-Day Book"! She filled it with three weeks of daily things for me to do that will make me smile. So far I have seen a story about a dog applying for a job, a recipe for chili, a picture of a girl raking leaves to color (with my very own crayons). Today there was a joke that made me laugh. I am loving it! There is one thing that I hate, though. I WANT TO PEEK!!!

Way to go God!!!

Here I am getting my 1st Chemo treatment. Today, I got two drugs. Carboplatin, and Gemcitibene (or Gemzar). These are ones I didn't have before, so I didn't know what to expect.

I was glad that I didn't have any reaction to the chemo drugs. If I can't take these drugs it's gonna be bad.

I was excited to see that they had wireless internet. I was able to use my computer........Until I got so tired that I fell asleep.

You wouldn't believe all the stuff that's in the "happy juice" !!! Sleeping pills, tranquilizers, anti-nausea, even benadryl. Lots of benadryl. Think we will cut back on the benadryl next time.

Tonight, I take an Ativan, before I go to bed. It helps with the nausea, with sleeping. It is a type of tranquilizer. In the morning I take a Zofran for nausea. If those don't work, I have another one, Compazine.

Enough about nausea! God knows us from the time we were formed in out Mother's wombs. He can certainly watch over me and give me the strength I need for whatever comes my way!

Casa de las Rocas

My parents bought a house built on and around huge boulders. Some of the walls were big rocks. 

 My Mom would use a broom to 

sweep down the sandy walls! 

From the  lower level the view was of a patio and more rocks. But, from the upstairs, you could see for what seemed like forever. They sat upon a rock at the West end of the San Fernando Valley and you could see the 30 miles to the East side.

I have to remember that I can only see the "downstairs" view of my life. But God, can see the "upstairs" view. He knows the very moment I will die and everything that will happen to me in-between. And He wouldn't put anything in my adventure that He won't carry me though. When I start to fear what will happen, I remind myself and God.

I had my port-insertion yesterday. Other than being a little groggy and in a little pain, it went well. I start chemo on the 8th. My treatments will be with two drugs, carboplatnim and gemcitabine. The first week I will receive both drugs, the second week only gemcitabine, and the third week nothing. I will do this for 6 cycles. The port is a "thingy" that they put under the skin, just below the collar bone. Then the tube is pulled up under your skin, over the collar bone. It is inserted in the inter-jugular vein, down that vein then to the heart (not in). They stick the needle through your skin and into the rubber part of the port-a-cath. That way they don't have to use the veins in your arm. It is hard on them.

I thank God that He CAN see forever!!! Nothing happens without Him!

Thanks again for all your prayers!!!

Good News and Bad news!

The doctor at Stanford confirmed what my local doctor told us. I should do chemo. And then she gave us some new information. My cancer is what they call "triplenegative". A the time she told us this info I didn't know much about triple negative breast cancer (TNBC)

Here are some things that I have learned about TNBC:

1)  Only 15-20% of all breast cancers are TN

2)  It cannot be treated with estrogen, progesterone, or HER2 (growth factor). Thus, triple negative. The most successful treatments for breast cancer target these receptors.

3)  TNBC can be particularly aggressive. (mine is)

4)  If it returns in less that 5 years it is more likely to recur or metastasize. (mine did in 2 years)

I had the 3 drugs that work the best, so there is not a set protocol for what to do now. The only treatment that can work is chemo, but which drugs?

That's the BAD NEWS, but here is the good news....................GOD KNOWS! He knows how many hairs are on my head! (Luke 12:7) He knows exactly what second I will die! He knows what will happen in the meantime. I can either waste time worrying about the bad news or being thankful for the time I have. Take it moment by moment, not day by day, because time is more precious to me now!!!

Stanford here we come!

My appointment is on Tuesday, 9/1 @ 9 AM. They have been sent all my records and will give us their thoughts on what I should do. We are going down on Monday for a little R&R. I am so thankful for good insurance and the ability to get a second opinion.

Hopefully, we can get in a little trip before I start my chemo. Where should we go? Somewhere cooler! We have had too many days over 100 in Redding.

Patient-Controlled Analgesia (PCA)

Well, the good news is that I am almost totally healed from my surgery. The bad news is that I will have to do chemo. We will be heading to Stanford within 2 to 3 weeks for their input on what to do. Dr. Carter says he has already given me the "big guns" (my term, not his) but it came back anyway, so they will have to come up with a plan B. He did promise that these drugs won't be as hard on me as the first ones. It is funny how you can psych yourself up to expect to hear the words you want to hear. And when they don't come it is harder to hear the words that are coming!

When I was in the hospital they had me hooked up to a "PCA". It was pretty neat...when I felt pain I just hit this button and I got a shot of pain killer. It was set so you couldn't get a "hit" in less than 8 minutes, so you couldn't OD. In the beginning, whenever I felt any pain, I would hit the button. After a few shots of meds, I noticed that the wallpaper was "sliding" down the wall! All the things attached to the wall were stationary, but the wall paper was moving. Yipes! You might not OD, but you can still get spaced-out. I had hit the button too many times!!! I do not like the feeling of being spaced-out....I don't think I could be a druggie. I like being in control.

I think that is why it is so hard for me to let God take control of every aspect of my life. Sometimes He does things that seem so far out that we wonder if He knows what He is doing. Or He sends us on an adventure that we Don't want to go on. Or sending us somewhere that we Don't want to go.

If God gave us a "button", to kill the pain, it could keep us from learning the lesson He wanted us to learn. The main one being to TRUST HIM!!!

Pictures of my Surprise Party

Here are some pictures of my surprise party. I still don't know how they pulled it off. They were pretty sneaky. I was totally surprised, and Ron too!






These two are the instigators! Don't they look like siblings? (sneaky instigators!)












Steve & Jill, Ron & Judy, Sarah & Shane










My nephew was on leave from North Carolina.
Boy was I surprised to see his family.












Shane and Judy













Sarah & Jill (sister-in-laws)











Steve, Mom, Brother Don, and Fritz (Mom's dog-but don't tell him he's a dog :0))












Ron, you are so funny!












Judy and brother Don (no, we are not praying)












Suzie (Shane's Mom), Cindy (Shane's Aunt), Queen Judy, and Ron










Long time friends. Jim, Janet, Pat, Dave, Ruth, Jerry, and Alice












Mom, Sherry, Carol (on couch), and Dee













Watching my "movie" Steve made.









Dee drove us to Sarah's. I thought she went crazy when she wouldn't park in the driveway like I asked her, and then she took a sharp right turn and went over the curb. I later learned she did that so that we wouldn't see the cars parked next door.










Very funny!










Sarah "stole" pictures from our house to make posters for the party.














Big hug for such a great party!!!
60 ain't so bad!!!!!

Laughter is GOOD medicine!

We were going over to our daughter Sarah's house with one other couple to celebrate my 60th birthday. The last person I thought would open the door was our son Steve! He lives in San Diego, over 700 miles away. So I did what any Mom would do, started to cry!!!

A Big Birthday! I am now a "presenior"!!!

Ron and I have been SO blessed by all the calls, cards, prayers and meals we have received. We feel bad about that not sending each one a thank you note! We appreciate all the time and thought that you put into each expression of love, so much. God is truly working through His family to minister to us.

Because of all the kindness we have already been shown, I have hesitated writing about this because I did not want to appear to be "fishing" for more wishes! But, on Tuesday, the 10th, I will turn 60! I think that because of the adventures of the last few months (years!), I have a different perspective on turning the age of 60. Check out this survey to see what some people think constitutes being old:

Few see themselves as 'old,' no matter what their age - USATODAY.com: "WHAT AGE IS OLD?

The age that survey respondents say markes the beginning of old age for the average person:
Age of respondents When they say old age starts
18-29 60
30-49 69
50-64 72
65+ 74

Source: Pew Research Center survey of 2,969 adults; margin of error +/- 2.6 percentage points. (Responses were averaged for each age group.)


I think most people will agree that 60 is "old". I have a theory that being this age is like being an adolescent! As a teenager, you are too old to be a child and too young to be an adult. At 60, I am too young to get all the perks of being a senior citizen, but am too old to be young. I think we should call it "presenior" :0)

There is a song I love, and often sing when I am tempted to put my focus on myself instead of God. The chorus goes like this:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face;
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

Kinda helps me to put it all in perspective!

Hooray! The tube is gone!

It is amazing how much better you feel when you don't have tubes sticking in your belly! Or staples on your chest!! And you can use both arms!!! (did you ever try to pull up your underwear without both hands? I cheated) I can't tell you how much better I feel!

Dr. P says all looks good and I don't have to see her for a week. In my opinion, a 22½ cm scar that is black and blue and swollen can't look "good". But, she has seen this surgery many times, and knows how it should look at this stage in the game. I receive comfort when she tells me it looks good.

What is next, you might ask? We don't know! Do any of us know what tomorrow will bring? Nope, we have to trust God for the grace to get through whatever comes our way.

Will His grace be sufficient? YES! How do I know? Because it always has!!!

Pain is the pits!

Ron tells me that I will have to take some of my cards down, because there won't be anymore room on my counter. I tell him that we can push them closer together. I love seeing the cards and reading about all the good wishes and prayers that people are sending up for me!!!

This has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I can't seem to go without taking the pain pills. Between being on codeine, being in pain, and not being able to use my left arm, all I can do is veg. I am sure that when I get the last drain removed, and the rest of the staples out, I will feel better. Hopefully, that will be on Monday.

I can't imagine having a double mastectomy. My heart goes out to those who have gone through that. I am so thankful for a loving husband, and friends who care. And a God who knows exactly how much I can take!!!

Waiting is hard!

The waiting for the results is over. It is good news!!! Dr. Philben called me to tell me that the final pathology report came back clear. No cancer in the lymph nodes or breast tissue. The next step is to talk to the chemo Dr. (Aug 17th) to see what they recommend about  chemo. We are thankful for this good report, and I am praying that it will be clear that I don't need to do chemo again.

Tomorrow I go to Dr. Philben's office. Hopefully, she can take out one or both of the drains. They don't like me as much as I don't like them! They poke when I bend or twist, certainly a thorn in my side. So if you talk to me and I sound a little out of it, it is probably the pain meds!

Our Great God has provided everything we need. Thank you everyone for letting God love us through you!!!

Home Sweet Home!

Even with drugs, it is hard to sleep in the hospital! God blessed me with a neat Christian roommate @ 2am. Now that I am home I will be able to get some sleep. A dear friend from our Flock Group brought us a beautiful dinner. So now we can hunker in and stay out of the heat (103 today).

I feel 100% better than I did this morning. It is such a relief to know that she only had to take 2 lymph nodes and that so far, they didn't find any cancer in them. We get the final pathology report at Dr. Philben's on Tuesday.

I felt so good knowing that Dr. Philben was doing my surgery. She is so prescise and expects the same out of those she works with. Yet she is very compasionate---she sends floweres to all her patients. What a nice thing to do!!!

Praise God for sucessful surgery! My next step is to see what the medical oncologist (chemo) doctor says. I am praying that it will be clear that I will NOT need to do chemo!

Thanks for all the calls, cards and prayers!!! God is alive and well!

"Advent" Pill Box

They told me to stop taking my vitamins and supplements one week before my surgery. That makes for an unusual pill box! Usually the compartments are full to the brim with a kaleidoscope of colors. But without these pills, there are only 2 little white pills in the am and 1 little pill in the pm compartments.

Each day as I take my boring little white pills, I see that I am getting closer to the day of my surgery. Now there are only 2 left in the am and 2 left in the pm. As I empty out those compartments, I can choose to increase my anxiety or increase my faith.

Believe me, I have those moments when fear overcomes me and I start crying. When those times come I try to think about all our Great God has done for me. That helps me to put my focus where it belongs, and trust that God is in control! It is not always easy. A friend has given me this verse and it helps tremendously:

“I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I will NOT be shaken.” (Psalm 16:8)

"You'll be alright by the time you get married"

When I was a little girl, my Daddy didn't like it when I cried. He would always tell me, "You'll be alright by the time you get married!". Well, I've been married over 37 years and I am still waiting for things to be "alright"!

I am glad that my Dad is not here to see me go through this experience with cancer, it would have been very hard on him. I remember when I was in labor with my first child, Sarah, he would come in the room and I would try and act like it didn't hurt. I should have won an academy award for that acting!

When I was young, my Daddy was the one I looked to for comfort, security, and protection. I am so thankful that I have a greater "Daddy". My Father God cares more about me than my earthly father could possibly. When I was little my goal was to hang in there until I "got married" and things would be alright.

Now that I am old, I know that my Father God has prepared a place in heaven just for me, and I have decided that is the "alright" I will set my sights on.

A New Adventure

Some of you have heard the news that my cancer has returned. We know that our God is Great and will get us through even this. I hope to keep everyone informed on what is going on in our lives in this blog. This is how it started........

I felt a lump at the beginning of the year, but the needle biopsy came back negative. When it seemed to get bigger, I knew I needed to get it checked out again. I kept putting it off, because I didn't want to sound like a hypochondriac. The doctor was sure enough that it was only scar tissue from the January biopsy that she told me that was probably what it was. I learned that since my tissue had been treated with radiation, it would form more scar tissue than healthy tissue. We could be creating a vicious cycle-biopsy creates scar tissue-scar tissue leads to biopsy.

I decided that I would take the chance of creating more scar tissue by having a lumpectomy. I wanted that lump out! But the timing was tricky. We were heading down to San Diego on the 26th of June to attend a burial service for my step-brother, Chuck. He died of melanoma in April. On our way home on July 6th, we had to stop in Sacramento so Ron could do his pre-op for his hernia surgery scheduled on the 14th. I had my lumpectomy on July 8th and got the bad news on the 9th.

As soon as she said "I'm afraid I have bad news", I felt like I was experiencing an-out-of-body experience. I think Ron and I were in shock, we didn't start crying right away, but eventually the tears did come. When I realized that I was not listening to what she was saying, I made myself listen. I knew it was stuff I would need to know.......but I did not want to hear it! We were greatly relieved when the follow-up test showed that the cancer has not spread.

Ron had his hernia surgery yesterday and is home doing fine. He is in pain, especially when he coughs, but I am amazed at how fast he has gotten back on his feet. We are much relieved that this is behind us and he will have a few days to get his strength back before I have my surgery.

My mastectomy is on Thursday, the 23rd. I will have to stay one night. And will probably be off work for a week. At this point we do not know what further treatment I will undergo. I want to take my time and do some research before we decide.

Thank you all for your prayers, love and concern. Our God is Great and will carry us through this new adventure!!!

Two years ago...

One Down.........Seven to go!!!
09/27/2007 16:57:47

So Far, So Good
I had my first chemo today. And it didn't hurt! I haven't gotten sick (yet!).
It took about 3 hours. First, they give you 1) anti-nausea drugs, 2) steroids, 3) acid reducer drugs, and 4) happy juice! That takes and hour. Then they gave me some red stuff in 4 vials. (That makes you pee red/orange. Then the last one takes an hour.

While we were there, I ate lunch, petted a dog, met new people, saw an old friend who's Mom was being treated, ate a ice cream bar, talked to Ron, had coffee, ate a granola bar, drank water, and read a magazine. And got a little drowsy. (See a trend here...food!)

I have to tell you the wig story! I had decided that I wanted to have my wig before my hair fell out. (which will be around 10/14) Sarah and I went wig shopping on Saturday. First, I tried on a long wig. Everybody loved it. Then I tried on a short "spiky" wig. Everybody liked it. So we call Ron to come over to see the 2 choices. (He was at Costco, eating samples.) So I tried on the long one thinking that He would like that one, you know guys! But he liked the short one! And so did everyone else. There were no other customers in the store, so all the girls were helping me try on wigs and pick out the best one. One gal commented on the fact that they had been really busy before we came in. We were there for at least a half an hour. They when I decided to get the short one, all kinds of people came in and it got real busy. Was that a gift from God or what? What could have been a real bummer, turned out to be a fun thing. Thank you God!

Our God is an AWESOME God!

Love and Hugs,
Ron & Judy




Here we go! Zero Down.........Eight to Go!
09/21/2007 18:15:22

Well this has been a busy week! My internet provider has been down so I could not post to the blog. Here is what has been going on.

Yesterday I had minor surgery to have a port inserted under my skin so that they will not have to put in an IV every time I need a treatment. I am thankful for that, as I have been poked three times in the last three days and am already tired of it! Today I had a Muga Scan. That shows how well my heart is functioning. They do that because there is a slight chance that the chemo will damage my heart. Go to this web site to check it out. http://heartdisease.about.com/cs/cardiactests/a/muga.htm
It is interesting! Fortunately, my heart is doing good!

So, I think that I am good to go for my first treatment, next Thursday. The treatment takes 3 hours altogether. First, they give you drugs to prevent nausea, ect. Then they give you the drugs to kill the cancer. I found out why your hair falls out (my should fall out around October 12th). It is because the drugs kill the cells that are multiplying fast. Since your hair follicles are always replacing themselves, the drugs kill them also. I will have to go back in on Friday to get a shot to boost my platelets.

My plan is to take Friday off work to rest and re-coop. Then try and go to work on Monday. I will have 4 treatments every other week. Then I get an extra week off. I will do 4 more treatments every other week. If I keep on this schedule, I will not have a treatment Thanksgiving week or Christmas week. Yea! Isn't God good? Then I do 6.5 weeks of radiation. That should be a snap, compared to the chemo.

Keep praying! Thank you for all the encouragement. God is answering your prayers!

Love, Ron & Judy




Oops!
09/14/2007 10:08:22

In my earlier blog I messed up! What I meant to say is that the chance of it coming back if I DON'T do the chemo is 74%. The chance of it coming back if I DO the chemo is 85%. So I gain 11% better odds of it not coming back if I do the chemo.

I am sure that the blog that is lost said it much better?!?!?!

Love and hugs!
Judy


Decisions
09/14/2007 00:19:45

ugh!

I just wrote this great blog and hit the wrong button and it disappeared! I hate it when that happens! I have tried to get it back, but I think it is gone forever.


Well here goes, I will try and remember all the stuff I said!


I bet you are wondering what is happening at out house! I have had some hard decisions to make and wanted to wait until I knew for sure what treatment I would be doing.


My surgeon wanted me to go to an oncologist for a "consultation". I thought.......there was no way that he was going to talk me into doing chemo.........I was wrong!


The reason I decided to do the chemo was so that I would know that I had done everything that I could do to beat this cancer. They can only give you the odds of the cancer not reoccurring. The odds of it not reoccurring if I did the chemo is 74%. The odds of the cancer not returning if I do the chemo is 85%. Is doing chemo worth 11%? I hope so! If the cancer came back I would always wonder if I should have done the chemo.


In the near future they will know which cancer can be treated with chemo and which cancer cannot be treated with chemo. Right now they can only give you the odds of it coming back. Other factors made me decide to do the chemo. One, my cancer does not respond to hormone treatment (ie., tomoxifin). And, my cancer is level 3, the highest, for the speed of growth. There is no way to tell if any cancer cells have spread through my blood.


The regiment for the chemo is 8 treatments, one every 2 weeks. Then I will have the radiation to target any cancer left in the tumor area. So I am facing 16 weeks of chemo, and 6.5 weeks of radiation. Yipes! That is a long time!


We have had to cancel a trip to Cleveland to visit Ron's family, a trip to Lake Havasu, and a cruise with our kids. In the past I would have been devastated if I would have had to cancel one of these! I would have been down-in-the-dumps for a long time. But this time I am not! I think it is partly because I know that we are talking about my life here. Also I have grown to really believe that God is in control of all things. His timing is perfect, even in the hard things!


I think I will not use the word "never" so easily in the future. I used to say that I would not do chemo if I got cancer. It is really true that you do not know what you will do in a situation until you are in that situation! And God gives us just what we need to get though the hard times, and at the very time that we need it.


For those of you who are viewing this on my website, you might want to try this site:
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/rjtoth5
it is easier to read.

Well, I think that is all that I wrote in my first try. This one better post!


Thank you all for helping me walk through this journey. It is quite an ADVENTURE!

Love to you all! Judy

P.S. When this is all done, Ron and I are going to Hawaii! Anyone else want to go?


Work, Weary, and Wonderful
08/20/2007 23:25:20


Today I went back to work. It took awhile to get my mind in the "work" mode. But once I did I was ok. I had lots of work to catch up on, and only put a dent in it, but tomorrow's a new day. I am thankful for bosses that are understanding and allow me to be flexible with my work hours. Especially when I don't know what my treatments will require in the future. Each day I get a little better, so tomorrow I should be ready to accomplish a whole lot!

I think that I am still in shock a little bit. I have never had surgery before. This has all happened so fast that it is still hard to believe that I have cancer. It almost as if it is happening to someone else. People who casually ask how you are, have no idea what you are going through. I certainly am not going to tell them that I just had cancer surgery. Boy, that would get their attention! On one hand, you think you should tell them, as it is the thing that is at the center of everything that you are doing at this time. But, on the other hand, you don't want to have everyone feel sorry for you. I just pray that God prompts me to tell those whom he wants me to tell. And that I don't get consumed with this one aspect of my life. That would make for one weary life!

God is so wonderful! How can we put it into words or comprehend his wisdom? Or understand the depth of his love for us? This is a song that I like to sing when I am feeling "weary". It helps to lift my spirits and reminds me how wonderful my God is to me!

You are Beautiful Beyond Description

You are beautiful beyond description

Too marvelous for words

Too wonderful for comprehension

Like nothing ever seen or heard

Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom

Who can fathom the depths of Your love

You are beautiful beyond description

Majesty, enthroned above



And I stand, I stand in awe of You

I stand, I stand in awe of You

Holy God to whom all praise is due

I stand in awe of you!

Love and hugs! Judy

Good News!
08/17/2007 16:30:47

I can't wait to pass on the good news!

They did not find any cancer in the lymph nodes. And the tissue around the tumor was also clear. That means that I will not need more surgery. That is good!

I will have to have radiation for sure. We will consult with an oncologist to see what he says about doing chemo. Since my cancer was not receptive to hormones, hormone therapy is not an option. So we will have to check out our options and go from there.

Thank you for praying! Please keep praying that we will have wisdom in the decisions we make for my future treatment.

Love to you all!!! Judy




Surgery, Sleep, and Sedatives
08/16/2007 15:29:40

The surgery went well!

I am glad that the surgery is over! It wasn't quite what I expected! I learned that "twilight" means you are awake, and can tell them when you need more HAPPY JUICE! It did not mean that you slept through the whole thing. I was looking forward to sleeping all day. I guess they needed me awake so I could bug them. I did once in a while just to keep them on their toes.

I was impressed with Dr. Philben. She was in control of everything, kinda like the "Quarterback" of the team. Plus she played classical music not something else (like country-western ). At one point I tried to reposition my left arm as it was starting to hurt. I found out why I couldn't move it when they were getting ready to move me off the table. It was taped down! They know what they are doing, because a couple of times I wanted to hit her. That's when they gave me more HAPPY JUICE!

The preliminary reports were good. She did have to remove 2 lymph nodes. We will find out tomorrow morning if the cancer has in the lymph nodes. We are praying that they are clear.

I get to take the bandages off today and shower. That will feel good! And I have only taken tylenol since this morning. I am thankful that technology is such that they caught this early and I won't be out of commission for months.

Thanks for all the prayers. God has been faithful to keep our minds focused on Him. We know that He will give us the grace to get through whatever comes.

Love, Judy



Batons, Birthdays and Brothers August 13, 2007
08/14/2007 00:37:35

I have carried the "Baton" plenty of times when Ron has gone through an illness or surgery. Ten times in the first 20 years we were married. Three hernias, a dislocated finger (on my birthday!), spinal meningitis (and encephalitis!), two cervical fusions (within 24 hours!), sinus scraping (don't remember what it is called ), bypass surgery, and one more but I don't remember what it was. That doesn't count the numerous times over the years when he landed in the emergency room. I was there for him in during each surgery or illness, just like any of you would be for your loved one.

I know that it takes extra strength for the person who is NOT in the hospital. The other person feels as though they have to be strong, emotionally, physically, and mentally. They carry the burden of the extra work, going to the hospital, and always having to be "up" for the sick person. It can wear a person down quickly.

Ron has told me that he is now taking the "baton" as if we were in a relay race. It is his turn to carry the burden of MY illness. How comforting to know that he is willing to take care of me, be strong for me, and help me to finish the race. It is wonderful to know that we are a team! And he giving it his best!

Friday was my birthday. I like birthday's! You really are not instantly a year older. It took 365 days to get there. It's not until you look in a mirror that you see that you are older, I mean really look at yourself in a mirror! I don't do that very often. It's too scary!!!

We had a two couples for dinner, and our daughter Sarah. It wasn't anything fancy. It was a time to talk and laugh together. Oh, how that warms the soul! I totally enjoyed it. And the presents and cake weren't bad either! It was a great birthday, one of many more to come, I hope.

I just found out that my brother, Danny, will be coming thru town tomorrow. He is on his way back to San Diego after his trip to Sturges, South Dakota. It is a nice surprise and distraction to have him spend the night here. I will enjoy getting a big hug from him before I go in for my surgery. Plus we will go out to dinner, so I won't have to cook. Yea!

I don't know if I will get a chance to post again before my surgery, so just a reminder to be praying for me (and Ron too). My surgery is at 11:00 on Wednesday. We won't know the results of the pathology report until Friday afternoon.

Love to you all! Judy



The "C" Word
08/10/2007 00:02:24


Having to say the "C" word in the beginning was hard. It brings up all kinds of feelings. Fear is probably right there at the top. And when you tell others you have cancer, they react in some interesting ways. Some people act as though it was a death sentence. Some people act like it is no big deal, like you have a cold or the flu and it will be gone in no time.

The truth is, I don't know what path this adventure will take me on. It may be long and painful. Or it may be short and practically painless (I am hoping for the later). One thing that I know is that it is my choice as to which emotion I allow to dominate my day. Sometimes it is a struggle. Nights seem to be the worst. It is not my nature to be worry free. But when my mind wants to go in the wrong direction I think about who my God is and the promises he has given me. In Isaiah 41:13 he tells me "For I am the Lord , your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you." So in this adventure I am trying to feel God's hand in mine in those times when I am fearful. It does really help.

It might seem strange, but with this diagnosis of cancer also comes a freedom. I feel less inclined to try and impress someone. Like yesterday...when I was getting ready in the morning. I did something I would not have done before.........I wore silver and yellow gold jewelry at the same time! And the day before, I wore the same shoes I had worn the day before!!! (They were my "cute" shoes, not my "everyday" ones) Maybe some of you can't relate to this, or now think that I am crazy, but you can get the idea. When you are faced with uncertainty about tomorrow, it is easier to prioritize things. I feel that I have less to lose if I say something dumb or stick my foot-in-my-mouth.

Another thing that has become even more important to me is to make sure I let others know how much they mean to me. None of us know how many days God has given us to live. We should make sure that we show others how special they are to us, especially those in our families.

I thank God for each and every one of you!

Love, Judy & Ron



The Adventure Begins
08/08/2007 21:51:49

Look at me....I'm blogging!

This has been kinda fun! I'm learning all kinds of stuff!!!

Well, all the tests came back good. The only thing they found was some arthritis in my thumbs and lower back. So I am set to have my lumpectomy on Wednesday, 8/14 at 11am. The surgery will last about 2 hours and I should be home by 3pm. I start the day at 8am by going to having a "needle localization" and "radioactive dye" injection. This does not sound like fun...to bad they can't give me some happy juice at this time. The first part of the surgery will be to inject some blue dye near the tumor. The purpose of the dyes are to find the SENTINEL lymph node. The SENTINEL node is the one that the tumor drains to first. They will remove that and test it to see if it is positive for cancer. Hopefully, it won't test positive. If it does, they will have to remove more lymph nodes. Please pray that the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes. Then they will go on to remove the tumor and surrounding tissue.

That is probably more info then you wanted to hear, sorry if it grosses you out. I will go on to other things now....................our vacation of course is shot down the tubes. It does look like we might get a refund on the plane tickets, so that is good. I never dreamed that we would get anything back, since this is the third time we have had to change these "free tickets". It is a good thing that Ron is home and can spend the time it takes to make these phone calls. Isn't God good? We are still working on our hotel at Niagra Falls.

I realized that I was not facing all the posibilities when I was surprised when the Doctor told me she wanted us to consult with an oncologist. I really hadn't given much thought of the possiblility of needing chemotherapy (hormone therapy won't work for my kind of cancer). I guess I will cross that bridge when and if I come to it.

Ron turned his company truck back to his employer yesterday. It was a hard day for him, as he worked for this company for a lot of years. And it is a sign that his working days are over. I have to admit that I was kind of happy to see it go, as I was tired of it being parked beside our driveway. I am enjoying having him home, he makes a great "house-husband"!!! And he is less stressed. That is good for his heart.

God continues to supply our every need, just as he promises. He has been so faithful to us and we are trusting that he will continue in the future. Thank you all for praying for us. We certainly need your prayers.

Love to you all, Judy & Ron