Well, the good news is that I am almost totally healed from my surgery. The bad news is that I will have to do chemo. We will be heading to Stanford within 2 to 3 weeks for their input on what to do. Dr. Carter says he has already given me the "big guns" (my term, not his) but it came back anyway, so they will have to come up with a plan B. He did promise that these drugs won't be as hard on me as the first ones. It is funny how you can psych yourself up to expect to hear the words you want to hear. And when they don't come it is harder to hear the words that are coming!
When I was in the hospital they had me hooked up to a "PCA". It was pretty neat...when I felt pain I just hit this button and I got a shot of pain killer. It was set so you couldn't get a "hit" in less than 8 minutes, so you couldn't OD. In the beginning, whenever I felt any pain, I would hit the button. After a few shots of meds, I noticed that the wallpaper was "sliding" down the wall! All the things attached to the wall were stationary, but the wall paper was moving. Yipes! You might not OD, but you can still get spaced-out. I had hit the button too many times!!! I do not like the feeling of being spaced-out....I don't think I could be a druggie. I like being in control.
I think that is why it is so hard for me to let God take control of every aspect of my life. Sometimes He does things that seem so far out that we wonder if He knows what He is doing. Or He sends us on an adventure that we Don't want to go on. Or sending us somewhere that we Don't want to go.
If God gave us a "button", to kill the pain, it could keep us from learning the lesson He wanted us to learn. The main one being to TRUST HIM!!!
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