Waiting is hard!

The waiting for the results is over. It is good news!!! Dr. Philben called me to tell me that the final pathology report came back clear. No cancer in the lymph nodes or breast tissue. The next step is to talk to the chemo Dr. (Aug 17th) to see what they recommend about  chemo. We are thankful for this good report, and I am praying that it will be clear that I don't need to do chemo again.

Tomorrow I go to Dr. Philben's office. Hopefully, she can take out one or both of the drains. They don't like me as much as I don't like them! They poke when I bend or twist, certainly a thorn in my side. So if you talk to me and I sound a little out of it, it is probably the pain meds!

Our Great God has provided everything we need. Thank you everyone for letting God love us through you!!!

Home Sweet Home!

Even with drugs, it is hard to sleep in the hospital! God blessed me with a neat Christian roommate @ 2am. Now that I am home I will be able to get some sleep. A dear friend from our Flock Group brought us a beautiful dinner. So now we can hunker in and stay out of the heat (103 today).

I feel 100% better than I did this morning. It is such a relief to know that she only had to take 2 lymph nodes and that so far, they didn't find any cancer in them. We get the final pathology report at Dr. Philben's on Tuesday.

I felt so good knowing that Dr. Philben was doing my surgery. She is so prescise and expects the same out of those she works with. Yet she is very compasionate---she sends floweres to all her patients. What a nice thing to do!!!

Praise God for sucessful surgery! My next step is to see what the medical oncologist (chemo) doctor says. I am praying that it will be clear that I will NOT need to do chemo!

Thanks for all the calls, cards and prayers!!! God is alive and well!

"Advent" Pill Box

They told me to stop taking my vitamins and supplements one week before my surgery. That makes for an unusual pill box! Usually the compartments are full to the brim with a kaleidoscope of colors. But without these pills, there are only 2 little white pills in the am and 1 little pill in the pm compartments.

Each day as I take my boring little white pills, I see that I am getting closer to the day of my surgery. Now there are only 2 left in the am and 2 left in the pm. As I empty out those compartments, I can choose to increase my anxiety or increase my faith.

Believe me, I have those moments when fear overcomes me and I start crying. When those times come I try to think about all our Great God has done for me. That helps me to put my focus where it belongs, and trust that God is in control! It is not always easy. A friend has given me this verse and it helps tremendously:

“I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I will NOT be shaken.” (Psalm 16:8)

"You'll be alright by the time you get married"

When I was a little girl, my Daddy didn't like it when I cried. He would always tell me, "You'll be alright by the time you get married!". Well, I've been married over 37 years and I am still waiting for things to be "alright"!

I am glad that my Dad is not here to see me go through this experience with cancer, it would have been very hard on him. I remember when I was in labor with my first child, Sarah, he would come in the room and I would try and act like it didn't hurt. I should have won an academy award for that acting!

When I was young, my Daddy was the one I looked to for comfort, security, and protection. I am so thankful that I have a greater "Daddy". My Father God cares more about me than my earthly father could possibly. When I was little my goal was to hang in there until I "got married" and things would be alright.

Now that I am old, I know that my Father God has prepared a place in heaven just for me, and I have decided that is the "alright" I will set my sights on.

A New Adventure

Some of you have heard the news that my cancer has returned. We know that our God is Great and will get us through even this. I hope to keep everyone informed on what is going on in our lives in this blog. This is how it started........

I felt a lump at the beginning of the year, but the needle biopsy came back negative. When it seemed to get bigger, I knew I needed to get it checked out again. I kept putting it off, because I didn't want to sound like a hypochondriac. The doctor was sure enough that it was only scar tissue from the January biopsy that she told me that was probably what it was. I learned that since my tissue had been treated with radiation, it would form more scar tissue than healthy tissue. We could be creating a vicious cycle-biopsy creates scar tissue-scar tissue leads to biopsy.

I decided that I would take the chance of creating more scar tissue by having a lumpectomy. I wanted that lump out! But the timing was tricky. We were heading down to San Diego on the 26th of June to attend a burial service for my step-brother, Chuck. He died of melanoma in April. On our way home on July 6th, we had to stop in Sacramento so Ron could do his pre-op for his hernia surgery scheduled on the 14th. I had my lumpectomy on July 8th and got the bad news on the 9th.

As soon as she said "I'm afraid I have bad news", I felt like I was experiencing an-out-of-body experience. I think Ron and I were in shock, we didn't start crying right away, but eventually the tears did come. When I realized that I was not listening to what she was saying, I made myself listen. I knew it was stuff I would need to know.......but I did not want to hear it! We were greatly relieved when the follow-up test showed that the cancer has not spread.

Ron had his hernia surgery yesterday and is home doing fine. He is in pain, especially when he coughs, but I am amazed at how fast he has gotten back on his feet. We are much relieved that this is behind us and he will have a few days to get his strength back before I have my surgery.

My mastectomy is on Thursday, the 23rd. I will have to stay one night. And will probably be off work for a week. At this point we do not know what further treatment I will undergo. I want to take my time and do some research before we decide.

Thank you all for your prayers, love and concern. Our God is Great and will carry us through this new adventure!!!

Two years ago...

One Down.........Seven to go!!!
09/27/2007 16:57:47

So Far, So Good
I had my first chemo today. And it didn't hurt! I haven't gotten sick (yet!).
It took about 3 hours. First, they give you 1) anti-nausea drugs, 2) steroids, 3) acid reducer drugs, and 4) happy juice! That takes and hour. Then they gave me some red stuff in 4 vials. (That makes you pee red/orange. Then the last one takes an hour.

While we were there, I ate lunch, petted a dog, met new people, saw an old friend who's Mom was being treated, ate a ice cream bar, talked to Ron, had coffee, ate a granola bar, drank water, and read a magazine. And got a little drowsy. (See a trend here...food!)

I have to tell you the wig story! I had decided that I wanted to have my wig before my hair fell out. (which will be around 10/14) Sarah and I went wig shopping on Saturday. First, I tried on a long wig. Everybody loved it. Then I tried on a short "spiky" wig. Everybody liked it. So we call Ron to come over to see the 2 choices. (He was at Costco, eating samples.) So I tried on the long one thinking that He would like that one, you know guys! But he liked the short one! And so did everyone else. There were no other customers in the store, so all the girls were helping me try on wigs and pick out the best one. One gal commented on the fact that they had been really busy before we came in. We were there for at least a half an hour. They when I decided to get the short one, all kinds of people came in and it got real busy. Was that a gift from God or what? What could have been a real bummer, turned out to be a fun thing. Thank you God!

Our God is an AWESOME God!

Love and Hugs,
Ron & Judy




Here we go! Zero Down.........Eight to Go!
09/21/2007 18:15:22

Well this has been a busy week! My internet provider has been down so I could not post to the blog. Here is what has been going on.

Yesterday I had minor surgery to have a port inserted under my skin so that they will not have to put in an IV every time I need a treatment. I am thankful for that, as I have been poked three times in the last three days and am already tired of it! Today I had a Muga Scan. That shows how well my heart is functioning. They do that because there is a slight chance that the chemo will damage my heart. Go to this web site to check it out. http://heartdisease.about.com/cs/cardiactests/a/muga.htm
It is interesting! Fortunately, my heart is doing good!

So, I think that I am good to go for my first treatment, next Thursday. The treatment takes 3 hours altogether. First, they give you drugs to prevent nausea, ect. Then they give you the drugs to kill the cancer. I found out why your hair falls out (my should fall out around October 12th). It is because the drugs kill the cells that are multiplying fast. Since your hair follicles are always replacing themselves, the drugs kill them also. I will have to go back in on Friday to get a shot to boost my platelets.

My plan is to take Friday off work to rest and re-coop. Then try and go to work on Monday. I will have 4 treatments every other week. Then I get an extra week off. I will do 4 more treatments every other week. If I keep on this schedule, I will not have a treatment Thanksgiving week or Christmas week. Yea! Isn't God good? Then I do 6.5 weeks of radiation. That should be a snap, compared to the chemo.

Keep praying! Thank you for all the encouragement. God is answering your prayers!

Love, Ron & Judy




Oops!
09/14/2007 10:08:22

In my earlier blog I messed up! What I meant to say is that the chance of it coming back if I DON'T do the chemo is 74%. The chance of it coming back if I DO the chemo is 85%. So I gain 11% better odds of it not coming back if I do the chemo.

I am sure that the blog that is lost said it much better?!?!?!

Love and hugs!
Judy


Decisions
09/14/2007 00:19:45

ugh!

I just wrote this great blog and hit the wrong button and it disappeared! I hate it when that happens! I have tried to get it back, but I think it is gone forever.


Well here goes, I will try and remember all the stuff I said!


I bet you are wondering what is happening at out house! I have had some hard decisions to make and wanted to wait until I knew for sure what treatment I would be doing.


My surgeon wanted me to go to an oncologist for a "consultation". I thought.......there was no way that he was going to talk me into doing chemo.........I was wrong!


The reason I decided to do the chemo was so that I would know that I had done everything that I could do to beat this cancer. They can only give you the odds of the cancer not reoccurring. The odds of it not reoccurring if I did the chemo is 74%. The odds of the cancer not returning if I do the chemo is 85%. Is doing chemo worth 11%? I hope so! If the cancer came back I would always wonder if I should have done the chemo.


In the near future they will know which cancer can be treated with chemo and which cancer cannot be treated with chemo. Right now they can only give you the odds of it coming back. Other factors made me decide to do the chemo. One, my cancer does not respond to hormone treatment (ie., tomoxifin). And, my cancer is level 3, the highest, for the speed of growth. There is no way to tell if any cancer cells have spread through my blood.


The regiment for the chemo is 8 treatments, one every 2 weeks. Then I will have the radiation to target any cancer left in the tumor area. So I am facing 16 weeks of chemo, and 6.5 weeks of radiation. Yipes! That is a long time!


We have had to cancel a trip to Cleveland to visit Ron's family, a trip to Lake Havasu, and a cruise with our kids. In the past I would have been devastated if I would have had to cancel one of these! I would have been down-in-the-dumps for a long time. But this time I am not! I think it is partly because I know that we are talking about my life here. Also I have grown to really believe that God is in control of all things. His timing is perfect, even in the hard things!


I think I will not use the word "never" so easily in the future. I used to say that I would not do chemo if I got cancer. It is really true that you do not know what you will do in a situation until you are in that situation! And God gives us just what we need to get though the hard times, and at the very time that we need it.


For those of you who are viewing this on my website, you might want to try this site:
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/rjtoth5
it is easier to read.

Well, I think that is all that I wrote in my first try. This one better post!


Thank you all for helping me walk through this journey. It is quite an ADVENTURE!

Love to you all! Judy

P.S. When this is all done, Ron and I are going to Hawaii! Anyone else want to go?


Work, Weary, and Wonderful
08/20/2007 23:25:20


Today I went back to work. It took awhile to get my mind in the "work" mode. But once I did I was ok. I had lots of work to catch up on, and only put a dent in it, but tomorrow's a new day. I am thankful for bosses that are understanding and allow me to be flexible with my work hours. Especially when I don't know what my treatments will require in the future. Each day I get a little better, so tomorrow I should be ready to accomplish a whole lot!

I think that I am still in shock a little bit. I have never had surgery before. This has all happened so fast that it is still hard to believe that I have cancer. It almost as if it is happening to someone else. People who casually ask how you are, have no idea what you are going through. I certainly am not going to tell them that I just had cancer surgery. Boy, that would get their attention! On one hand, you think you should tell them, as it is the thing that is at the center of everything that you are doing at this time. But, on the other hand, you don't want to have everyone feel sorry for you. I just pray that God prompts me to tell those whom he wants me to tell. And that I don't get consumed with this one aspect of my life. That would make for one weary life!

God is so wonderful! How can we put it into words or comprehend his wisdom? Or understand the depth of his love for us? This is a song that I like to sing when I am feeling "weary". It helps to lift my spirits and reminds me how wonderful my God is to me!

You are Beautiful Beyond Description

You are beautiful beyond description

Too marvelous for words

Too wonderful for comprehension

Like nothing ever seen or heard

Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom

Who can fathom the depths of Your love

You are beautiful beyond description

Majesty, enthroned above



And I stand, I stand in awe of You

I stand, I stand in awe of You

Holy God to whom all praise is due

I stand in awe of you!

Love and hugs! Judy

Good News!
08/17/2007 16:30:47

I can't wait to pass on the good news!

They did not find any cancer in the lymph nodes. And the tissue around the tumor was also clear. That means that I will not need more surgery. That is good!

I will have to have radiation for sure. We will consult with an oncologist to see what he says about doing chemo. Since my cancer was not receptive to hormones, hormone therapy is not an option. So we will have to check out our options and go from there.

Thank you for praying! Please keep praying that we will have wisdom in the decisions we make for my future treatment.

Love to you all!!! Judy




Surgery, Sleep, and Sedatives
08/16/2007 15:29:40

The surgery went well!

I am glad that the surgery is over! It wasn't quite what I expected! I learned that "twilight" means you are awake, and can tell them when you need more HAPPY JUICE! It did not mean that you slept through the whole thing. I was looking forward to sleeping all day. I guess they needed me awake so I could bug them. I did once in a while just to keep them on their toes.

I was impressed with Dr. Philben. She was in control of everything, kinda like the "Quarterback" of the team. Plus she played classical music not something else (like country-western ). At one point I tried to reposition my left arm as it was starting to hurt. I found out why I couldn't move it when they were getting ready to move me off the table. It was taped down! They know what they are doing, because a couple of times I wanted to hit her. That's when they gave me more HAPPY JUICE!

The preliminary reports were good. She did have to remove 2 lymph nodes. We will find out tomorrow morning if the cancer has in the lymph nodes. We are praying that they are clear.

I get to take the bandages off today and shower. That will feel good! And I have only taken tylenol since this morning. I am thankful that technology is such that they caught this early and I won't be out of commission for months.

Thanks for all the prayers. God has been faithful to keep our minds focused on Him. We know that He will give us the grace to get through whatever comes.

Love, Judy



Batons, Birthdays and Brothers August 13, 2007
08/14/2007 00:37:35

I have carried the "Baton" plenty of times when Ron has gone through an illness or surgery. Ten times in the first 20 years we were married. Three hernias, a dislocated finger (on my birthday!), spinal meningitis (and encephalitis!), two cervical fusions (within 24 hours!), sinus scraping (don't remember what it is called ), bypass surgery, and one more but I don't remember what it was. That doesn't count the numerous times over the years when he landed in the emergency room. I was there for him in during each surgery or illness, just like any of you would be for your loved one.

I know that it takes extra strength for the person who is NOT in the hospital. The other person feels as though they have to be strong, emotionally, physically, and mentally. They carry the burden of the extra work, going to the hospital, and always having to be "up" for the sick person. It can wear a person down quickly.

Ron has told me that he is now taking the "baton" as if we were in a relay race. It is his turn to carry the burden of MY illness. How comforting to know that he is willing to take care of me, be strong for me, and help me to finish the race. It is wonderful to know that we are a team! And he giving it his best!

Friday was my birthday. I like birthday's! You really are not instantly a year older. It took 365 days to get there. It's not until you look in a mirror that you see that you are older, I mean really look at yourself in a mirror! I don't do that very often. It's too scary!!!

We had a two couples for dinner, and our daughter Sarah. It wasn't anything fancy. It was a time to talk and laugh together. Oh, how that warms the soul! I totally enjoyed it. And the presents and cake weren't bad either! It was a great birthday, one of many more to come, I hope.

I just found out that my brother, Danny, will be coming thru town tomorrow. He is on his way back to San Diego after his trip to Sturges, South Dakota. It is a nice surprise and distraction to have him spend the night here. I will enjoy getting a big hug from him before I go in for my surgery. Plus we will go out to dinner, so I won't have to cook. Yea!

I don't know if I will get a chance to post again before my surgery, so just a reminder to be praying for me (and Ron too). My surgery is at 11:00 on Wednesday. We won't know the results of the pathology report until Friday afternoon.

Love to you all! Judy



The "C" Word
08/10/2007 00:02:24


Having to say the "C" word in the beginning was hard. It brings up all kinds of feelings. Fear is probably right there at the top. And when you tell others you have cancer, they react in some interesting ways. Some people act as though it was a death sentence. Some people act like it is no big deal, like you have a cold or the flu and it will be gone in no time.

The truth is, I don't know what path this adventure will take me on. It may be long and painful. Or it may be short and practically painless (I am hoping for the later). One thing that I know is that it is my choice as to which emotion I allow to dominate my day. Sometimes it is a struggle. Nights seem to be the worst. It is not my nature to be worry free. But when my mind wants to go in the wrong direction I think about who my God is and the promises he has given me. In Isaiah 41:13 he tells me "For I am the Lord , your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you." So in this adventure I am trying to feel God's hand in mine in those times when I am fearful. It does really help.

It might seem strange, but with this diagnosis of cancer also comes a freedom. I feel less inclined to try and impress someone. Like yesterday...when I was getting ready in the morning. I did something I would not have done before.........I wore silver and yellow gold jewelry at the same time! And the day before, I wore the same shoes I had worn the day before!!! (They were my "cute" shoes, not my "everyday" ones) Maybe some of you can't relate to this, or now think that I am crazy, but you can get the idea. When you are faced with uncertainty about tomorrow, it is easier to prioritize things. I feel that I have less to lose if I say something dumb or stick my foot-in-my-mouth.

Another thing that has become even more important to me is to make sure I let others know how much they mean to me. None of us know how many days God has given us to live. We should make sure that we show others how special they are to us, especially those in our families.

I thank God for each and every one of you!

Love, Judy & Ron



The Adventure Begins
08/08/2007 21:51:49

Look at me....I'm blogging!

This has been kinda fun! I'm learning all kinds of stuff!!!

Well, all the tests came back good. The only thing they found was some arthritis in my thumbs and lower back. So I am set to have my lumpectomy on Wednesday, 8/14 at 11am. The surgery will last about 2 hours and I should be home by 3pm. I start the day at 8am by going to having a "needle localization" and "radioactive dye" injection. This does not sound like fun...to bad they can't give me some happy juice at this time. The first part of the surgery will be to inject some blue dye near the tumor. The purpose of the dyes are to find the SENTINEL lymph node. The SENTINEL node is the one that the tumor drains to first. They will remove that and test it to see if it is positive for cancer. Hopefully, it won't test positive. If it does, they will have to remove more lymph nodes. Please pray that the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes. Then they will go on to remove the tumor and surrounding tissue.

That is probably more info then you wanted to hear, sorry if it grosses you out. I will go on to other things now....................our vacation of course is shot down the tubes. It does look like we might get a refund on the plane tickets, so that is good. I never dreamed that we would get anything back, since this is the third time we have had to change these "free tickets". It is a good thing that Ron is home and can spend the time it takes to make these phone calls. Isn't God good? We are still working on our hotel at Niagra Falls.

I realized that I was not facing all the posibilities when I was surprised when the Doctor told me she wanted us to consult with an oncologist. I really hadn't given much thought of the possiblility of needing chemotherapy (hormone therapy won't work for my kind of cancer). I guess I will cross that bridge when and if I come to it.

Ron turned his company truck back to his employer yesterday. It was a hard day for him, as he worked for this company for a lot of years. And it is a sign that his working days are over. I have to admit that I was kind of happy to see it go, as I was tired of it being parked beside our driveway. I am enjoying having him home, he makes a great "house-husband"!!! And he is less stressed. That is good for his heart.

God continues to supply our every need, just as he promises. He has been so faithful to us and we are trusting that he will continue in the future. Thank you all for praying for us. We certainly need your prayers.

Love to you all, Judy & Ron